Funeral & Memorial Services

          Planning a funeral for a baby is not something most parents are prepared to do.  They have been planning to proudly announce the birth of their baby, not sadly announce their baby’s death. Grieving parents are usually so overwhelmed by the many decisions they have to make, and they often feel pressured to make these decisions quickly. Many do not even know they can have a funeral or memorial service for their baby, especially if the baby died very early in the pregnancy. Even if they do know this is an option for them, frequently, they do not know what type of ceremony they should have or what types of services are available for a baby’s funeral. Bereaved parents may feel overwhelmed, confused and afraid of doing the “wrong” things. They may know in their hearts what they would like to do, but may be afraid to ask if it is okay.

          While many funeral homes offer special services for babies, even for the tiniest babies who died early in the pregnancy, there are still limited resources for those who want to plan a special ceremony to commemorate their baby. Yet, a personalized goodbye ritual can be very healing and meaningful at the time, as well as in years to come.

          Following is a collection of poems, scriptures, readings, songs, and other ideas for memorial services and funerals. These ideas have been gathered over the years from the many bereaved parents we have worked with. We have tried to include religious as well as non-religious ideas, as well as ideas for different religious denominations. For a more extensive guide, Share has published a book, Bittersweet…hellogoodbye that is a comprehensive guide to planning farewell and other memorial rituals. Finally, we have included a list of links to internet resources that sell memorial and funeral items.

 

FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

If you are planning a service for your baby, do not be afraid to...

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  •  Let other people help you. If you need someone to do things for you, or if other people offer to help, let them.
  • Talk to funeral directors in your area, even if you choose not to have a funeral.
  •  Ask for what you want. No matter what it is, if it is something important to you, tell the funeral director and/or pastor of your wishes.
  •  Ask to be given whatever mementos are available.
  •  Hold your baby one last time if you want to.
  • Let your other children see and hold the baby, if they want to. Depending on the child, this may help them deal with your baby's death.
  •  Take pictures and/or record the service if you want to.
  • If you choose not to involve a funeral home and have a funeral, or if you do not have a gravesite or urn, you may decide instead to have a prayer service or remembrance gathering to honor your baby. This can be held at a location such as a church, home, park, garden or other meaningful place. This allows for choosing exactly when you want it to take place--soon after your baby's death, on a holiday, or on an anniversary.
  • Follow religious traditions that are important to you.
  • Create new traditions.
  • Pick out or create a poem or verse that is special to you or your situation.
  • Choose a song with special meaning.
  • Find a person you trust, and that is willing to follow your belief system, to conduct your service.
  • Have each family member or friend place a flower at the grave
  • Light candles
  • Have a balloon release
  • Purchase a headstone or marker
  • Stay at the cemetery until the casket is lowered, or ask a loved one to do it for you.

Remember, there is no right or wrong way to memorialize your baby.

 

Mementos to create or collect during your gathering can include…

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  • Flowers
  • Notes or cards
  • Booklets provided by the funeral home
  • Service itinerary
  • Pictures of the ceremony or family

 

FOR CAREGIVERS

A few important things to keep in mind if you are a caregiver helping a family plan a funeral...

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  • Say the baby's name.
  • Familiarize yourself with the options that are available so you are able to give parents all the information they need when planning their baby's funeral.
  • If the mother is still in the hospital, delay the service until she is released and is able to attend. A small service can be performed in the hospital room or chapel if the mother will be hospitalized for an extended period of time.
  •  The family should decide whether they want the service to be private. Do they want clergy involved or do they want to do the service themselves?
  •  Both parents should be involved in planning the service. Do not assume they are too grief-stricken to make decisions; give them information and let them decide what they want to do. Encourage both parents to be involved in as many of the preparations as possible.
  • Do not rush the family into making decisions.
  • It is important to keep an open mind when helping grieving parents plan their baby's funeral. If they want to do something you feel is out of the ordinary, try to implement their wishes as much as possible.
  • Do not impose your own beliefs on the family. Each family has different needs, as well as different religious and cultural beliefs, and it is important to be sensitive to this. Do not pressure them to do things they may not feel comfortable doing.
  • Try to involve other family members, such as grandparents and siblings, if the family chooses to do so.
  • Ask the parents if they would like to do things for their baby such as dress their baby, comb their baby's hair, and/or hold him or her one last time.
  • Take photos and record the service on videotape if the family wants you to.
  • Be aware of your limitations. Ask for help from other professionals if you feel you need it.
  • Give them any local and/or online resources you are aware of for grief support.
  • Remember that everyone grieves in their own way.

Click here to see what some parents have chosen to do.

 

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