Creating Memories for a Lifetime
...from the Share Message Board
Dear Parents and families,
We are a group of women from Internet support group sponsored by Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. We all have experienced the loss of a child during pregnancy or shortly after. We are so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby.
Losing your child is an unthinkable and devastating event. It is difficult to think clearly during this time. This sheet is intended to help you create memories with your child that you will be able to hold onto forever. The ideas on this page were compiled from the experiences of the ladies in this support group. One of the most difficult aspects of our grief is feeling regret about what we did or did not do with our children after they were born. We hope the ideas here will keep you from having similar regrets.
During Birth
- If you have time, consider playing some soothing or special music during delivery.
- Consider asking for pain relief during delivery that won’t leave you feeling drugged or groggy afterwards, such as an epidural, so that you will be alert and awake for your special time with your baby.
- Make sure that you are kept informed of what is happening and why.
- If not medically necessary, consider asking to have the baby stay in the room with you immediately after birth.
After the Birth
- Realize that you have the right to spend as much time with your baby as you want.
- Look at and inspect your baby. Many of us moms at Share felt apprehension and fear about what our babies would look like, but once we saw them, we all fell in love immediately. Even babies with physical differences are beautiful to mom and dad. Most of us who didn’t look at our babies or look at their bodies regret it later on.
- Bathe and dress the baby. You may want to bring in your own special outfit to dress your baby in—if so, remember that you have time to do this. You may also want to use one outfit to dress baby and another to save as a keepsake. You may request an additional outfit for a keepsake if you wish.
- If you wish, ask that your baby be placed under a heat lamp to keep him or her warm.
- Put on that first diaper.
- Talk to your baby. Tell him or her how you feel.
- Sing to your baby.
- Kiss your baby. Kiss his or her toes and fingers.
- Smell your baby. Consider creating a “scent memory.” Use an oil such as lavender or rose on your baby or your baby’s things, and in the future, that scent will remind you of your child.
- Consider calling family and close friends to come see and hold the baby. Later you may be glad that they got to meet your little one.
- Consider sending everyone out of the room for awhile except you and your partner, so you can have some special family time. Also, you and your partner may want your own individual time with the baby.
- It is within your rights to take your baby home for a time if you wish to, although many hospitals seem to discourage this. If this is something that appeals to you, don’t let others discourage you from doing this.
Religious Rituals
- If you wish to have your baby blessed or baptized, you have the option of having the hospital chaplain perform this or having your own pastor or priest come in to perform it. Let hospital staff know if you would like to call in your own officiant.
- If there are other birth and/or death rituals that are important to your faith, remember that you can take the time to call in the necessary people. Just let hospital staff know what you want to do.
Creating Mementos
Photos
Nearly all of us in the Share support group wished we had taken more photos. If you do not have a camera, arrange for someone to get you a disposable one (often available in hospital gift shops) or have someone run home, if convenient, to get your camera. Even if the hospital takes photos of the baby, you will want to have your own later on. Remember, you have as much time as you need and should not be rushed. Here are some photo ideas:
- You and your baby.
- Family photo with you, your partner and the baby.
- Other family members and friends holding the baby (grandma, grandpa, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc.)
- Your baby by him- or herself. Some ideas for poses include baby lying on back; baby lying on tummy like he or she is sleeping; baby with hospital’s traditional newborn photo background.
- Baby dressed and baby undressed. Someday it may be important to be able to see your baby’s tushy or bellybutton!
- Close-ups of baby’s hands and feet.
- Close-ups of Mommy’s and Daddy’s hands holding baby’s hands and feet.
- Close-ups of baby cradled in Mommy’s and Daddy’s hands.
- Photos with baby’s mouth open and closed.
- Consider taking some video footage of your baby.
- Consider taking some photos with black and white film, which can even out skin tone.
- Consider changing your baby’s outfit several times to add variety to your photos.
- Parents of Multiples: Consider having a photo taken with all of your babies together. If the babies pass away at different times, you may request that they all be brought back to you so you can take a photo.
Other Keepsakes
- Ask to have plaster casts made of baby’s hands and feet (kits are available at WalMart® if your hospital doesn’t have them).
- Ask to have baby’s footprints and handprints made.
- Ask for a few locks of hair.
- Ask that all clothing, blankets, crib cards, I.D. bracelets and any other items associated with your baby be given to you.
- Ask that your baby be weighed and measured.
Before Leaving the Hospital
Make sure you have as many of these keepsakes as possible in hand when you leave the hospital, to make sure that all of your requests were accommodated and to eliminate the chance of these priceless mementos being lost.
Funeral/Memorial Services
- Refuse to discuss funeral arrangements with anyone until you feel ready. Do not let it impede on your special time with your baby.
- You have time to make decisions about what to do with your baby’s body. Do not let others rush you into hasty decisions. If you need a few days to think about what to do, let hospital staff know that you want your baby’s body held until that time. If that is not possible, speak with a funeral director about your options.
- You may have your baby cremated or buried. When you feel ready, ask to speak with a funeral director from the funeral home of your choice.
- Consider having an obituary placed in the local newspaper.
- Consider taking photos of the baby and/or guests at the memorial service or funeral.
- Consider singing, reading a special poem, or playing a special song at the funeral.
- Spend some time at the funeral home alone with your baby to say goodbye.
- Remember that you may always choose to memorialize your baby at a later date if that feels more comfortable to you.
Again, we are so very sorry for your loss.
Hugs,
The Ladies from Share Message Boards
"Creating and recalling
priceless memories can be important in making connections with your baby, as well as facilitating positive healing. Please remember that we are all unique in our grieving and will choose to remember our baby/ies in different ways."